We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize