I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
