Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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