Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my shit smells like andre
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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