At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
