Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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