respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
