my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
