I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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