mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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