Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
