Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Randomize