I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
