I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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