Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
