How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
