i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
