i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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