Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize