At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
