Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
