I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize