last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize