i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize
