i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
