I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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