census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
