In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
