i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
