got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
