after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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