Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize