Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
