i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
