K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
