evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my shit smells like andre
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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