I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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