If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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