My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
