Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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