Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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