just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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