I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
