i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
someone owes me an orgasm
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
