did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
