she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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