you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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