There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
