Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
