First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
