just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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