note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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