worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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