We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
