The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
