dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
