i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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