I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
