booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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