It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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