Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
