I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Did I show you my penis last night?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
