Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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