capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
do herpes really smell.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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