I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
