Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
